When will I ever learn...

We've got a girl who's studying to become a horse-masseur coming to our stable every now and then and stays for a couple of days to get some working hours done, today was the second time she gave Nalle massage and the 4th time for him and he's finally starting to understand and really enjoy it.
Last night I rode, we started with a short trailride with the dog and then we spent some time in the paddock doing IP-games at trot and canter. We also did alot of sideways, Nalle was alot better going in one direction so we worked more on the other side. No mather what we couldnt get it to work and I started to feel frustrated, then I got sad because I got emotional and it just went downhill... I didnt want to end with a feeling of failure, I want my horse to be able to feel proud everytime and I cant lie to him so I asked him to go just 2 steps sideways in both directions with just my seat and leg as aids. He did that very nice so I got off and felt abit better but I was still very upset with myself for getting frustrated. I know that when something isnt working as well as it use to/should it has nothing to do with respect anymore, Nalle respects and trusts me 100% but I still dont KNOW it. I still blame myself for being a bad leader/horseman/friend instead of thinking outside the box to find the real reason. We walked back to the pasture and I was sure that Nalle would run away when I took the halter off, but he didnt. We did some liberty and when I walked away he neighted, at first I thought he spoke to the other horses, but then I heard that it was another sound and saw that he was looking at me. Oh what a feeling! I turned around and walked back to Nalle to scratch him abit and then we could both sleep abit happier.

No suprise the masseur found something, she found tensions under Nalle's belly that made it hard for him to engage his hindquarters. I felt really bad for pushing him yesterday instead of looking for answers on why what happened happened. I really have to learn what I learn so that I can know that I know...

Oh and we did some trailerloading aswell, the time we spent hanging around in the trailer the other day when it was raining really payed off, he walked in with the same confidence as he did last year, he didnt even bother when I closed behind him nor when I opened again.